Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Questions and Answers..
After a holiday Danno usually receives a letter from a penitentiary on the eastern side of our state. The letter is usually in the form of a card, hand drawn and colored. A lot of time is spent making these cards (well..what else can he do?) and are sent to his grandmother in a neighboring town. She then calls me, I pick up the card, and bring it home to danny. He opens the card, looks it over, and reads the letter inside. He puts the card back into the envelope and puts the envelope in the "treasure" cupboard in our dining room. He has a collection of 4 now (that he has kept). Two Christmas, a Halloween, and a birthday. He usually has questions when these cards come. Why does he call me son? Why does he sign it your dad? Why am I so important now? Where was he when I was little? Why? Why wasn't I important to him? How come I am now? I always respond the same. "I don't know danny. I don't have the answers you are needing. He is the only one who can answer those questions for you. You will have to ask him." To which danny replies, "How can I ask him when he won't add me to his visitor's list?" Good question. I have asked several times for Troy to add danny to his visitors list. Danny needs to ask these questions and hear the answers. On the plus side of that, I feel this would be the best education I could give my son to help him make better choices than the man he calls his biological father. Look at life on the inside, and tell me if this is how you want to live your life. The road block? Troy won't add him. I don't know the reasons behind them, nor will I probably ever, but my son is hurting and questioning and i don't have the answers he needs.
For the past 11 years, I have *tried* not talking negatively about his father in front of him. It was something I just didn't do. I didn't want him to feel torn between feeling he had to choose to love someone. It has been and remains to be very hard. I have forgiven this man for the things he did to me, the lies, the drugs, the cheating, the hitting. I have forgiven him for telling me he would kidnap my son and I wouldn't see him again. I have forgiven him for being callous. But what I can't forgive him for, nor do I think I could ever try,is the treatment of a life who was innocent in our stupidness. I won't forgive him for allowing MY son to feel he is not worthy, or his life isn't important. For that, I can never forgive him. What a wonderful life he has missed. What is more important in life, than creating a life and then watching the person you created unfold?
Fortunately, for Danny he has had Chris as a father since he was four years old. He has a father in his life. If you ask him about "his father" he will describe Chris. He doesn't call troy dad. He calls him Troy. He calls Chris, Chris. I still ache for danny, because my son is hurting and I don't have the answers he needs.
thanks for listening.


Dirtbikes and Divas said...


Although I know nothing about your past I can tell you one thing from this post, Danny may have some confusion about his father but he should have no confusion about the love his momma has for him. You have done a great job under difficult circumstances!!

supermom said...

just a thought, this just came to my mind.

do you think ding dong won't add him because, he doesn't want Danny to see what that kind of life is like? he may finally be embarassed about the choices that he made and doesn't want his son to see what life is like in that particular situation.

it is just a thought, i don't know what he really is thinking or feeling. but, it could be a possibility!

Wendy said...

i honestly don't know what to think. I gave up long ago trying to wrap myself around his way of thinking. Like the fact he was sentenced to 27 years..and still won't allow chris to adopt danny. What happens to danno if something would happen to me? Can i will him to someone? lol...
thanks for the encouragement and nice comments, but please, don't give me too much credit just yet..i am sure I am messing him up! lol..