Questions and Answers..
After a holiday Danno usually receives a letter from a penitentiary on the eastern side of our state. The letter is usually in the form of a card, hand drawn and colored. A lot of time is spent making these cards (well..what else can he do?) and are sent to his grandmother in a neighboring town. She then calls me, I pick up the card, and bring it home to danny. He opens the card, looks it over, and reads the letter inside. He puts the card back into the envelope and puts the envelope in the "treasure" cupboard in our dining room. He has a collection of 4 now (that he has kept). Two Christmas, a Halloween, and a birthday. He usually has questions when these cards come. Why does he call me son? Why does he sign it your dad? Why am I so important now? Where was he when I was little? Why? Why wasn't I important to him? How come I am now? I always respond the same. "I don't know danny. I don't have the answers you are needing. He is the only one who can answer those questions for you. You will have to ask him." To which danny replies, "How can I ask him when he won't add me to his visitor's list?" Good question. I have asked several times for Troy to add danny to his visitors list. Danny needs to ask these questions and hear the answers. On the plus side of that, I feel this would be the best education I could give my son to help him make better choices than the man he calls his biological father. Look at life on the inside, and tell me if this is how you want to live your life. The road block? Troy won't add him. I don't know the reasons behind them, nor will I probably ever, but my son is hurting and questioning and i don't have the answers he needs.
For the past 11 years, I have *tried* not talking negatively about his father in front of him. It was something I just didn't do. I didn't want him to feel torn between feeling he had to choose to love someone. It has been and remains to be very hard. I have forgiven this man for the things he did to me, the lies, the drugs, the cheating, the hitting. I have forgiven him for telling me he would kidnap my son and I wouldn't see him again. I have forgiven him for being callous. But what I can't forgive him for, nor do I think I could ever try,is the treatment of a life who was innocent in our stupidness. I won't forgive him for allowing MY son to feel he is not worthy, or his life isn't important. For that, I can never forgive him. What a wonderful life he has missed. What is more important in life, than creating a life and then watching the person you created unfold?
Fortunately, for Danny he has had Chris as a father since he was four years old. He has a father in his life. If you ask him about "his father" he will describe Chris. He doesn't call troy dad. He calls him Troy. He calls Chris, Chris. I still ache for danny, because my son is hurting and I don't have the answers he needs.
thanks for listening.
whimp

Prayers needed...

My great niece, Hadleigh, is going in for a procedure today. Please keep Stacy, Curtis, Faylynn, and Haddie in your prayers. Let's hope everything goes great, and she can have her second stage surgery soon.

Hadleigh was born with Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. She had stage one surgery, and will need the second stage soon. Let's put our prayers together to help her out.

thanks

whimp

Just an update..and stupid should hurt...
Thanks Brandy for letting me steal your favorite quote..well Troy actually turned himself in, and plead guilty to all his stupid endeavors, and received 27 years in prison. TWENTY SEVEN years! ...now we all know he won't actually serve all that, but if he does..MY son will be 37 years old when he is released..how sad is that? Thank GOD...Chris is here. Chris is here for Danny just like always...Danny is just concerned that everybody saw the news and everybody will know..(i.e..everybody would be kids at school...just an FYI of 10 year old boy language) He is embarrassed he said. Me too, I told him...me too. Thank God i have my boy. Thank God...
whimp

How do I put my past...
behind me, when I go to check the local weather and see this? http://www.wowt.com/home/headlines/6926957.html
How do I explain it to Danny? What if something goes horribly wrong? Then what? Lord, when will this end?

By the way...Happy Easter.
whimp

At what cost?
I am trying to let go of negativity in my life. It is not healthy. I cannot carry these burdens with me forever. However, I feel part of me, or my purpose, will be forgotten if I let go. If I let go of the hate I feel towards the town, well mostly school district, of where I grew up? If I let go of the anger, hurt, and hatred I feel for my first husband(i mean, come on, it has been almost 10 years). What will it cost me to let go of these things? Does this anger define who I am? Does it make me, me? Will I no longer have a purpose in life? What will this cost me? What? Some one please tell me...of course I have another question.. What will it cost me if I don't?
whimp

I remember...
My niece, Karen, posted about watching a documentary on the drug Meth. She posted how this program researched and discovered that once this drug chooses a victim (or should I say victim chooses a drug, anyway) that only 6% of recovering addicts fully recover. How sad. How sad for the families of these people. How sad for the lives that are disrupted. Unfortunately, I remember. I remember watching someone I used to (think) I loved throw his family, and life down the drain..all for this drug. The surprising thing about this statistic (Troy) ..he came from a good (i won't say stable) home, is fairly intelligent, and parents are still married. This drug knows no race, sex, age, or clas. This drug is nasty. It makes the user very violent and unsatisfied. They will do ANYTHING to get another hit. Unfortunately, it used to be fairly easy to acquire the ingredients used to make it. In a farming community, it is relatively simple. I remember the fear I had for the safety and well being of my son, and myself. Why did I stay? I stayed because I didn't want to be a statistic, I thought I could change him, and I actually believed the things he said to me. I constantly heard I was no good...no one would love me. I was stupid, I was fat, I wasn't a good mother. I was told I would never make anything of myself, and I wouldn't survive without him. I felt I had no one to turn to. At that time I wasn't very close to my sisters, or brothers for that matter. I felt I was truly alone. Until I called Dianne at work one day, and she said to pack danny up, and come on over. So I did. and ..guess what? I did make something of myself, I am a good (at least decent) mother, I finished my teaching degree, and am happily married to a wonderful person. and guess where he is...still hooked on this drug. Almost ten years later. He has 2 more children(who live with his mother). How sad to see a life who could have great promise (all he needed to do was apply himself, he could have had any occupation he wanted)...but instead, he made the choice to dance with the devil?
And Now..ten years later..
My greatest fear I have now...is how to educate my children (one of them being his son) on the dangers of drug use. How do I educate them on how peer pressure will feel, and it IS Ok to sayNO! The friends who would use, are the friends to lose? How..in a society like ours, HOW can I help them say NO?