Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Heavy Heart....

Today my hubby, Danno, and I made a journey up north so Danny could visit Troy. In prison. It was the most difficult decision (and journey) I have ever made as a parent. Danny came to me approximately 2 years ago, when Troy sent him a birthday card. He was almost livid. His comment to me was something like this "Why does he think it's ok he calls me son, or send me a birthday card? Why NOW? How come I wasn't good enough to be his son when I was 6, or 10? Why am I only good enough when he goes to jail?I don't understand. What's wrong with me when he isn't in jail"
I had to look into that face, a face who lights up a room with one smile, and say "I don't have the answers you need. Unfortunately, the only person who has them is Troy. Those are questions you have to ask him. I'm sorry I can't give you the answers you need." Danny's response was "Then let's go. I want to talk to him. I want to see his face." So, we applied for a visitor's pass to take Danno to see him.
Danny was denied.
So, this past February we applied again. He was denied for the second time.
I had to apply for an appeal to the warden for Danny to be approved. Troy had completed the classes for Danny to visit by then. Danny was approved in March.

So, today I watched my son climb into our van and anxiously ride for 3.5 hours to seek the answers he so desparately needed. The only thing is, he didn't ask them. This time. He said "I want to get to know him, before I ask him why." My heart broke today as I sat and watched a grown man, and a tenderhearted boy  try to forge a relationship. A relationship that should have been forged long ago. I was young, so was he. We created a child, and unfortunately it is he who paid the price. Not me. Not Troy. Danny. As I sat there and watched them learn to communicate, I felt a range of emotions. I felt guilty, angry, and hopeful.
GUILTY, because I don't think I have ever seen my son happier. Angry for the circumstances I put him in. No, I didn't deny Troy visitation. He was the one who chose not to have contact, but being young I made decisons that impacted his life. Would I do it all over again, absolutely. Have you met my son? He is splendidly awesome. :)  Hopeful, because I see a man who is wiser, and I believe just as hopeful.