Monday, August 18, 2008

Heavy Heart and Mind...
I am sitting here with a heavy heart and mind tonight. I don't really know what is wrong. I know I am worried. I know I am anxious, confused, and not understanding my role in life. I am not understanding where I belong, if what I do matters, and where to go from here.
I guess I am at a point in my life where I feel I should be in "bigger" places, contributing more to others lives.
I am anxious to get my "kids" back. To start the school year with eleven 4 year olds (instead of eleven 3 year olds!). I will have a total of 18, but 5 of them are 3's.All of the 4 year olds, but one are a returning child. I feel I didn't fit enough in, that I failed them in their learning. I know it isn't true, and I know most teachers feel this way. How lucky am I to get them again?
I am questioning life in general tonight. Chris and I have been laying awake at night just talking. I forget what it was like (pre-riles) to just lay in bed and talk. I missed that. I have been feeling a bit neglected from him lately. I felt unappreciated, and unnoticed lately. I was equating affection, appreciation, with monetary items, when in reality, he shows me he appreciates me everyday. He lets me sleep in. He takes his shower first, so I can sleep 15 more minutes. He does the dishes, most of the laundry, and never complains when I want to go scrapping all day on saturdays. He never complains about the money I spend on it either. He almost always puts supper away, and in the winter time he goes out and starts my van 15 minutes before we leave. Now granted, i usually leave him a note somewhere (notebook for work, in his wallet in the middle of the cash he has, his shoe, his sock, somewhere, where it will be a surprise to find it. I buy him or make him cards, gifts, etc. He is not like that. He doesn't put thought into those things. Does it make it right. No. But he does do things to show me he appreciates me.
I have been worried about mom today. Some things came up today that scared me, (nothing serious, just got me thinking) and have me worried for the road ahead with chemo. What if she can't beat this? What if her bottom just keeps breaking down, and she just keeps having set back after set back? What then? I haven't had her in my life long enough for her to NOT be in it. I want her for many more years. I counted how many siblings she has left. Six...out of 16..there are six. Aunt Peg, Uncle Gary, Aunt Did, Uncle Butch, Mom, and Aunt Evie. I remember going to the family reunions and having the best of times. Especially the water fights and camping at the Water Works, and playing in the mud.
I am worried about danny. Will he turn out ok or am I damaging him for life? I wish I had more patience, more wisdom, and the sanity to know the difference. lol..
I remember a prayer ronnie and I used to say to each other when he was over seas..
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It is helping me tonight.
Love ya,

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