Sunday, April 19, 2009

wow..what a busy crazy couple weeks. Last week my brother had his back surgery (wednesday) and came home yesterday. We had planned a dinner at mom's prior to his homecoming, so his first day at home was crazy and busy. We didn't know he would be released so soon! Anyway, on my many blog visits today, I saw a quote by matt at dear spike love dad.

"It's nice to do well in school. But it's better to do well in life."
This quote says a lot to me. I have been reflecting on the guilt I feel when dad was in the hospital before he passed away. My father was in the hospital more than he was home the last year of his life. I remember after I had Riles he was home for about 3 weeks and I would take her up to see him while I was on maternity leave. He didn't feel strong enough to hold her because the medicine he took made him shake. This was very hard for my dad because the first thing he wanted when he had a new grandbaby was to hold them. I would set her carseat by the couch and he would talk to her and when she would start to cry tell me "She's startin' to squeak in here." I am glad he got to meet her. When he went back into the hospital before he had his surgery, we "smuggled" her in to see him. I didn't get to spend a lot of time when my dad was in the hospital. I worked through the day and 2 nights a week (5:30pm-11:00) and on saturdays (8:30-3) I had classes to finish my teaching degree. My dad also had some type of infection for a while that prevented me from being there since I was pregnant. We (sisters) tried to remember what it was, but we couldn't.
Anyway, after his surgery he contacted a staph infection which ultimately led to his death. This is what started to cause his body to shut down. It was summer, I still had classes on Tues/Thurs nights and Saturdays, and mom and I went to the hospital through the week. I still have felt I didn't spend enough time with him. The university I attended docked me attendance points when I gave birth to Riley (I had her on a Thursday, so I missed my Thursday night class, Saturday class (two separate classes), but attended the Tuesday night class). One of the instructors I had at the time dad was dying refused to let me email her my papers as I got them finished. They weren't late, but I had borrowed a laptop from work and typed while mom and I were visiting. Her response was "It would be an extra cost to print them for the university." I volunteered to buy ink, paper, etc. I finally had to go to the dean to get permission to do this. The night my father passed away was before one of my last nights of classes. I was docked attendance points again for missing part of class because we were finalizing the details of the funeral.
I guess what i am saying in this post is, I wish i would have had enough backbone to do well in life, instead of school during this time.

1 comment:

Cindy said...

You did what you had to do. When I was a kid growing up, Mom and Dad owned the restaurant, he was a stickler for doing what you HAD to do to succeed at work. I am sure it would transfer into school. Don't beat yourself up, I am almost 100% sure Dad would give you a pass. You were there when you could be, that is what he cherished. Let go of the other stuff, it is needless guilt!